I source love my twin flame. I cannot express that enough. Even in separation, even with having to deal with my anger towards him on a near daily basis, I http://wagglestn.com/wp-json/oembed/1.0/ love him. Being with him taught me so much, but never think that is because of who he was, it’s because of what we were http://averagejoesmma.com/upcoming-events?cid=all together. The experience and how I chose to respond to it is what made me strong, is what made me transcend.
The artery was cut on October 3rd of 2013. He did something he simply cannot take back, nor does he want to. We spoke two other times after that, but I don’t think at that point there was anyway to fix what we’d done to one another.
The last time we spoke, he said I’ll call you back in 20 minutes, I haven’t heard from him since.
All of October, I could barely get out of bed. I was suffering depression unlike anything I’d ever felt in my life. I had literally no strength. I did much of nothing other than sleep. I just kept thinking about how much pain I was in and how he didn’t care… he didn’t really love me… I was contemplating giving up on my dreams, the new life I’d started just a year and a half earlier. I was literally considering going back to my ex husband and staying in bed playing computer games the rest of my life.
Then November came and I got angry.
In many ways that anger saved my life.
I thought of all the ways he’d treated me unfairly, of all the things he asked of me that no one, especially not him, should have asked of me. I thought of the dreams and promises we made one another and I remembered how one by one he not only broke the promises, but gave the dreams to another woman. I thought of all the things he’d done, all the ways he’d dismissed me, disrespected me, hurt me… and I thought he’s taken enough! The hell I was letting him have my dreams too.
He obliterated my heart, but that would heal, I wasn’t going to lay there and die.
After that, it was one step at a time, like learning to walk again. We humans are a resilient lot. We can go through the most horrendous things and come out the other side stronger for it. Sheer determination and a LOT of faith in a future that I could visualize where I was happy, in love, living my dreams. No it wasn’t guaranteed, but what was my alternative?
One day at a time I pulled myself back up. I was entirely alone at this point because I don’t really have much in the way of family and I was losing friends left and right, in part because of lies being told about me during this time, and in part because my guides were closing down roads I didn’t need to travel any longer. So alone, hurt, angry, fighting depression and desolate, I started anew.
I took my plight up in prayer and meditation, because I am a woman of great faith and I don’t know any other way to get through. My guides comforted me, they protected me. During the months that passed, I took solace in the quiet of my life. I went out to Disney and there were days I just sat and stared at a lake, or the crowds. I was numb for a long while. I wondered how anyone could be so cruel. I wondered what I’d done to deserve him doing this to me… I thought all the things I know we all do when our twins break with us and I cried… a LOT.
Then I shut the door.
For me, I realized the only way I could move forward, was to close the door on the relationship I had with my twin. I keep a link to the relationship in the spiritual realm, but what we shared here in this life, I let it die. I let the hope that we would someday be together die… not because I don’t believe we can or we should, but because for me to keep living in the here and now, I have to shut that door. I know for me, if my twin comes back, he would have to be a very different person for me to welcome him home. If that happens… it’s the miracle my heart prays for every day, but if it doesn’t, I will not spend the rest of this life longing and aching for something I will not have.
My life is worth more than that.
There is an understanding that Twin Flames are supposed to touch the world. I would just like to submit that even in separation, we have this power and the responsibility of this should not be taken lightly. If I let the separation from my twin extinguish my half of the flame, then I not only fail to fulfill my purpose, but I’ve left my twin alone eternally. I am the light, the flame is within me, and I can light up the world, whether in separation or union.
There isn’t a day that I don’t think of him, that I don’t miss him, but on new year’s eve 2013 I was getting ready to go out and I realized that I was happier than I’d ever been in my life. This is in large part because I survived my twin flame.
I’ve taken all the wonderful blessings, the lessons and I’ve even learned how to use the energy he awakened in me for positive things and I’ve put down a very serious wall where that man is concerned.
The irony of course is that one of the best things he taught me was how to respect and love myself and now that I’ve learned that, not even he can take it away from me. He’s not welcome in my life if he cannot love and respect me… period.
Little things like that, seeing my strength, listening to you all on facebook and in messages telling me how much my stories and encouragement means to you, that makes me very VERY happy!
I know how hard it is, back in October 2013… I never could have imagined where I am right now, but I am SO grateful for this split from him and I am wide open to whatever the universe has for me next. Namaste, love and blessing to all who read this.