indian Misoprostol I have a confession to make…
click here I’m a coward, I’m ungrateful, and I’m largely living in my ego.
http://taushadickinson.com/wp-json/oembed/1.0/ I have to start by saying I am a person who believes in fate and destiny. I’m a woman who is believing less and less in “free will”. I am a woman who feels a huge calling on her soul and I want to fulfill that destiny.
But I am human and I am struggling.
I met my twin flame in 2012 and I went through the ringer with that relationship. We are in what I would call a permanent separation because my guides have shown me the man to which they say I have great destiny with, they’ve said he’s not my twin flame, but the great love of my existence.
It’s obviously far too big of a story to go into in a blog post, but the point I need to make today is that, though my twin flame experience taught and transformed me, there are some lessons I did not heed well.
What I’m involved in now, is honestly more complicated than my twin flame relationship was, more intense, and seems to have a bigger weight on it too. The great love and I are also in a form of separation. I see him all the time, but we don’t speak, we barely look at one another. He’s with someone else and most days I’m so embedded in my ego that I want to walk away from all of this insanity and never look back.
But I’m tied to him. My soul is tied to him.
Last night I was watching the show Kevin (probably) Saves The World, being clairaudient I relate to this show on deeper levels than most. There was a moment though when his guide explains, with great sadness, that she can’t go back to where she was before, because she gave up everything for this mission… that broke my heart. Because her sadness was over seeing that Kevin was trying to quit on this mission to save humanity because it was crazy and hard and all she could see was God and the beauty and the gift of being chosen for this job.
I had a moment where I seriously grieved for all the crap I give my guides. I’ve been chosen for something incredible, but it’s crazy and hard and my ego and fears get all riled up and I want to say Fuck you… to God!
Last night I saw the great love, for most of the night we were wholly disconnected. I felt nothing but bored. Then my guides suggested I channel energy between us for a bit and observe. What I saw was him light up. He’d been looking tired, out of sync, not quite right all night, but as soon as I started sharing energy with him, he came alive, his smiles were real, he even shot some prolonged eye contact and smiles at me, which was crazy! The people around us were effected too. And I was forced to face the truth once again, that like it or not, understand it or not, this man and I have magic between us and maybe, just maybe, if I could actually engage faith and trust God, maybe he and I could change the world in some way.
I obviously have no answers there, but what I do know is that I’m ashamed of myself, of my attitude, of my complaints, of my arguing and refusing to do what’s been asked of me by the universe.
We all see the planet, the human species suffering, changing, devolving in a way, and here I sit being asked to be an instrument that shoves us fully into an era of love and light and I’m too afraid of being humiliated, rejected, looking like a fool. I’m too invested in my own identity, my own desires, my own ideas of what’s right for me. And I’m unnecessarily harsh with my guides, who without, I’d be entirely lost.
The question lying before me though, is will I change that?
I realize the only right answer is, yes, but I also know me, I’m in this to a point and no further. That just isn’t good enough anymore, but how do I make myself set aside my ego, especially during Aries season, the time of ego and identity. How do I put myself into full submission to God and this destiny? How do I trust that this is really true and not some weird side effect from my being a romance novelist?
This has been going on nearly five years now. I’ve had sign after sign, proof after proof, I truly do believe this is my path, but taking this step, sacrificing self in a time when that’s deemed unhealthy, pathetic, and stupid… I know my friends don’t understand the struggle, they see the signs, the miracles and all they think is oh my god you’re so blessed. It’s easy to look at someone else’s life and think in their shoes the choice would be so easy, but this is not easy for me.
I’m being asked to put a man who does not speak to me, at the center of my universe. To put the energy work needed to connect us at the top of my priority list. To set aside any dream, responsibility, or desire that gets in the way of those two things.
Jesus (yes, I talk to Jesus, he’s one of my best guides) has been telling me this past week how it is my earth teachings that are messing with my head. He says I have to remember Spirit which has been with me always and never changes. He assures me he knows how hard it is to rise above and go against the traditions and teachings of your entire life, but when your mission is one so vital to creation, you simply have to find a way to do it.
I have to find a way to do this.
I don’t quit. And I can’t half-ass this. That only leaves finding a way to do this.
Finding a way to set aside ego.
Finding a way to true surrender.
Finding a way to remember all my teachings, all the miracles, all the prophecy that has brought me to this exact space and time for this exact purpose.
And I have to have faith in the universe and it’s rhyme and reason. Trusting that somehow, God will work out what looks impossible to my eyes.
That’s all. 😉
Prayers for strength, prayers for vision, prayers for victory are all deeply appreciated. In return, may you be richly blessed and know your way. A’ho and Amen, so it is.