This life is such a long journey and I’ve been through several incarnations along the way. I did the Disney obsessed, quiet lonely youth part, the dutiful good Christian wife part, the homeschooling mother. I had the “I’m done with you God because I keep getting hurt by your people” season, I’ve done the author thing where I wrote a lot of erotic romances and got called every name in the book and my own mother disowned me. I’ve done the new age thing to a degree, I made my living for a time doing spiritual counseling and oracle readings and helped so many people I was just awed by God every single day. I’ve studied a LOT over the years about religions and faith and I’ve come home to this really unique, beautiful place that flows with blessings and where God is alive and active in my life every single day, and I am so committed to the path of God at this point that, even to the point of homelessness, I won’t turn away
However, I need to clarify my position some before I continue because God is leading me back to a time of spiritual work, a blending of fiction, spirituality, and Disney, and for those I’ve picked up along at each stop, I need you to know who I am.
I was raised in a Baptist school, my parents were not churchgoers, my family was not religious until I was about 12 and my grandparents found the televangelists… then we were overly religious.
I, however, have had a very connected and meaningful relationship with the spiritual for as long as I can remember. At age 8, I accepted my teacher’s invitation to “welcome Jesus into my heart” and I was baptized. I LOVE the Holy Bible and have read it from cover to cover more than once… although these days I do tend to skip Numbers. lol My faith is strengthened every day by the time I spend in the Bible and in prayer and meditation, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
I considered myself Christian all my life and followed that religion with all my heart. At the same time, I’ve had the ability to hear what I thought at the time was just “God,” and that I now recognize as angels and spirit guides, even Jesus, and possibly a deep soul-bonded connection as well. And while I don’t court the dearly departed, I have had moments of connections with those that have lived in this realm as human beings like myself.
Every gift I have, and every way I choose to use it, is God directed and blessed. I am grateful for these gifts because they are the thing that makes my life work. Yet all my life I was told God doesn’t talk to us like that anymore, you just have to live like this, you have to believe like this.
I was like Moana standing at the water being told, we don’t go past the shoreline. And I listened. All my life, pushing my gifts away, trying to convince myself I was just insane and the voices I heard were just the imagination of a very lonely child and teen. As an adult, I just accepted their comfort, but every time they’d give direction, I’d follow the teachings and the desires of my husband or family instead… I’d look longingly at that water I wasn’t allowed in and walk away.
Finally, three things happened that changed my life forever.
Seven years ago my life was in such a horrible place. I had been attacked and spiritually abused by a church, and the result of that was I was done with God. Although I wasn’t. But I wasn’t active in my faith. I’d had five miscarriages and ultimately left my husband as our life had deteriorated to the point where we could have been on an episode of Hoarders. I was with another man, we were engaged, although I didn’t want to be, I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying no when he asked. And at this low point, I read the book The Shack.
For the first time ever, I saw a representation of what I have everyday with God and realized I was not crazy, but blessed. I told God I wanted to follow him for a change and only him. I remember sitting out in my garden in Virginia, away from my beloved Disney, and telling God I was never again going to doubt the inner gut sense I had or the leading of him, the direction I heard. Even if it made me crazy, even if it meant people walked away or vilified me. Even if I was chased out of every church I ever stepped foot into, it didn’t matter anymore, I wanted God and truth and that was all.
About two months later, I may have died for a brief moment. I’d been very, VERY sick and should have gone to the ER I’m sure. I was in great pain and I remember having this thought, oh I’m dying… I’m going to leave… the next thing I remember were three angels healing me. I remember “God” saying, lay still and let them work. In the span of a half hour, I went from not being able to move other than to writhe in pain, to being up and perfectly well. I took a shower and promised to not waste this second chance. I hugged my kids and tearfully told my ex-husband everything because he’s the only one who never ridiculed my ability to hear God, so he was the only one I could share it with.
The last thing was the real death blow. Sometime after the sickness, I was arrested and charged with two counts of felony child abuse. (Long story for another day, but the short version is that the kids of the man I was engaged to repeatedly told the neighbor we refused to feed them because when they told her this, she gave them chocolate.)
What you have to understand is that I am the good girl to end all. I’d never had so much as a traffic ticket in all my life and here I am being arrested and treated like the scum of the earth by law enforcement. I spent seventeen hours in a holding booth, where I was never given my phone call or allowed to go to a bathroom. I spent the time talking to God. I spent the time breathing in everything he was. I spent the time realizing that after a lifetime of doing things the way everyone said to do them, I was in jail with no one on the planet but my ex-husband to give a damn. It was during those seventeen hours that my life changed forever because once I recovered from the shock, which took about a month, I let God lead for real. Every step I took, every choice I made was based on God’s guidance by the voices I hear. After I got through the entire nightmare, I headed out for my new life here in Florida, where I promised to follow God and only God for the rest of my life wherever he led.<
I have held true to that promise, but the path has not looked anything like what I expected. God has led me outside the box of Christianity to explore and experience deeper ways of knowing him, and I treasure each and every one of my experiences these past years. Someday, I will write the entire thing. In the meantime, you’ll get pieces here in The Life I Write. All I want to say is that I come from a Christian background, and while my faith is rooted there, I do believe in astrology. I hear God’s voice and see him setting each planet with purpose. I’ve done the research and I know the history and why it was yanked from the holy texts by men of power who didn’t like that they couldn’t read the stars. I have the gift of being able to read people, see where they’re stuck, hear their angels, and know what their soul purpose is. I’ve learned to use Oracle decks to aid in that because again, I hear God’s leading and guidance there. I also have had a lifelong affection for stones, gems, and crystals. I feel their energy and I use them to help shield against darkness, to bring awareness, or to simply feel happy sometimes by touching them. I light candles. I meditate. I smudge my home and anoint it with oil. I do full and new moon rituals to set intentions and practice gratitude. There was a time where I would have been considered a witch… I am not, though I don’t disparage those that are. I hold tight to my bible and the faith I’ve always known, but I do believe, and always have believed, all truth to be God’s truth, and I believe people should walk the path they are called to, not the one we feel is “right”.
There is a lot of light and a lot of dark in this world, but God is the master architect and I don’t believe one person is out of place or out of his sight. We all have a part to play here and I’m doing my best to honor mine, even though it looks so very different than anything I ever would have designed for myself. My commitment was to follow God wherever he leads and I have stayed true to that commitment for seven years now. In those years I have seen more miracles, more compassion, more friendship, more love, more goodness than I have in the entirety of the rest of my life.
There is a passage in the bible about the fruit of the spirit, and I’ve always been slightly obsessed with trying to get that to blossom in my life. These past seven years it’s been an unending harvest and I have danced with joy in it.
I’ve written all of this because I understand the Christian faith so well and I know I’m considered a heretic by their standards. But I cannot turn away from God to make men happy, not one more day. I am Moana and I am beyond the shoreline now. I have God at my side and I am prayerful and careful, but I am taking this ride with him and sending gifts back when I am able to. If my writing or my beliefs offend you, please know it is never my intention to do so. I only ask for the respect I give others to seek their paths and learn their truth. God never fails us and never leads us to places we should not be. I don’t always understand his ways, but I do understand him and I will stay faithful to my last breath.
Namaste dear ones, may God be with you on your way.
Check out The Life I Write for more articles written by me about God, life, and the journey.