Recently the Sun squared Chiron, and while I try to stay aware of transits and alignments, I wasn’t really expecting this one to pack the punch it did.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Chiron is symbolized by the “wounded healer”. It represents our deepest wound, and our efforts to heal the wound. Chiron was named after the centaur in Greek mythology who was a healer and teacher who, ironically, could not heal himself.
In Greek mythology, Chiron was held to be the superlative centaur amongst his brethren, as he was called as the wisest and justest of all the centaurs. Chiron willingly gave up his immortality for the life of Prometheus, and for that reason, his half-brother Zeus took pity on him and thus placed him among the stars in the sky to be honored.
Chiron is here to teach us about our deepest wounds and pain so that it can be healed. The constellation was only discovered in 1977 and some people wonder how astrology can be real when we keep finding new things and adding to it. Well, I’m of the belief that these things are discovered as our species evolves to stages where we can handle the new information. God is amazing and perfect and has plans beyond what we’ll ever know. I see the beauty of God in the astrology because this is actually a way that God gives us a heads-up about what’s ahead for us, what we may be facing, what needs healing.
Think of it like this, he placed every star in the sky, and I believe he did that with great purpose. I believe he did that as a form of communication with us. So when I read the alignments, I always look for what God’s intent is with each one.
Chiron transits act to uncover fears and wounds with regards to our ego and our life path. We discover our “weaknesses” in the foundation of our identity. Insecurities, fears, perceived failings, and unresolved issues about our sense of purpose in life are uncovered. In some cases, women experiencing these transits deal with issues surrounding their fathers and his effect on their identity and adult relationships with men. Our creativity, self-expression, and independence are questioned.
Chiron’s theme is always healing. When we know that’s what’s on the agenda for the day, we look at arguments and hurt feelings perhaps just a little deeper. For me, this alignment hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m going to share that with you in the hopes that you may be able to better see how this alignment may present itself for you.
The day started out just fine. I made posts about it being Sun square Chiron day and wished everyone well. By the end of the day, my personal life –particularly the ongoing financial crisis– reared its ugly head, in that the bank accounts were empty… and so was the fridge.
Now we hit this point pretty much every month and I’m soooooo over it. so it didn’t take me by surprise. I knew it was coming. But to prolong the food, we’d gone down to eating just once a day, and that was factoring in because my head was being tempted to that dark place of defeat that I tend to go to when I’m tired and/or hungry.
So there we were, mostly calmly discussing options and the future, wrestling with issues of work and income and trying to figure out why, no matter how hard I work, how many things I align, how much extra I do, I still can’t make ends meet. That’s the most frustrating part of all.
This seemed to be a very simple “there’s no money, there’s no food” situation, and on the surface, it looked like the fix was simply we need more income. But as my youngest and I started circling the same old arguments, trying to avoid ending up here yet again next month, we took into account that if this was Sun square Chiron, there had to be a wound I was missing. Something was trying to work its way to my conscious and this night I was determined to find it, if for no other reason than I don’t want to be here again in July!
We circled everything from “start applying for ‘normal’ work”, to “work harder at what I’m doing now”, to “switch things up and create new things to sell”… but we were solely focused on how to bring in more money… until about one in the morning. That’s when we really dug into the Sun square Chiron aspect and started playing 20 questions.
Here’s what we knew:
- We hit this point every month no matter what we do or change
- I’m wracked with guilt over not simply getting a minimum wage job that would replace my trying to do good in the world, if for no other reason than lack of bandwidth and the depression that would seep in
- Every time we hit this snag, my go to is “I need to go apply at…” insert any quick fix type of situation here.
- The situation wasn’t changing.
So we started by looking at these things:
- Why I was so obsessed with getting a “normal” job.
- Why I felt unworthy of doing the work I was doing in the world.
- Why I held myself to a standard I didn’t hold another living soul to (that unless I had a “real” job, I was worthless)
The night wore on to nearly 6 a.m. but in the end, we found the knot and I was honestly shocked. But when my youngest laid out a particular scenario for me, I just began to weep. My heart broke. And I knew this was truth.
As he laid it out:
Family is the most important thing in the world to me and is the one thing I want more than anything else. Almost my entire family has, or had before their death, disowned me. I have no one. My dad is in my life peripherally, as is my sister, but it’s not “family” the way I long for family.
Therefore, I’ve spent my entire life with this obsession to be “worthy” of the family that didn’t want me. Both sides of the family, while I was growing up, were quite wealthy. My dad’s side to a large degree still is, as far as I know. Somewhere in my head, I’m sure this idea was formed when I was still a kid that I needed to have money and a good normal life (good marriage, good kids, good education, good house, good friends, etc.) to be acceptable.
Somewhere along the lines, deep in my subconscious, I translated that to if I had a lot of money my family would take me back. But the truth is, I would never fit in with these people, and while I wish them no ill will, I don’t want to be a part of that. So I’ve had this cognitive dissonance going on for decades over “make the money/don’t make the money”…. because I knew, on some level, making the money made no difference though I still convinced myself that was the reason, since if I made money and they still didn’t want me, I’d have to finally accept the truth – my family is flawed, divorce broke it apart, the adults behaved badly and scared the kids, and I was collateral damage and no one misses me.
That’s not pretty.
But THAT is my truth, not “if I make enough money I’ll be acceptable”.
That is what Sun square Chiron brought to the surface for me to be able to heal and release.
I’m not sure who I am today, but I know I’m worlds lighter and I believe this particular knot touched everything in my life that I wanted, from making ends meet, to my twin flame situation, to weight, to friendships… everything. With it dealt with, maybe I actually stand a real shot of creating the full dream now.
It’s funny because for years I’ve always been concerned that a part of me was self-sabotaging my efforts, but I could never find that part. I think on this amazing, painful Sun square Chiron day, I have finally found that part.
The truth is, in this life, we are always being presented ways to learn, grow, and heal. It’s up to each one of us if we take those opportunities or not. I’ve had enough experience to know the more we heal, the more we let the real magic in. To be closer and closer aligned to God makes the pain and the work worth it for me.
We all struggle with stuff in this life. This is the struggle I choose because this struggle has treasure at the end.