My story, like many of yours, takes on many twists and turns and has many layers. My story actually includes three men, three relationships and, if I’m honest, starts at an ending.
I won’t go into too much detail on this part, but in the early afternoon in January 2011 my entire world came crashing in.
I was faced with one of my worst nightmares and I went down hard.
For several months after that, I could barely move. I was in shock. I remember not being able to get warm. I remember not even crying… just staring at nothing. I was living almost in a cave as I rarely left a sofa that was set up under a loft bed. I had a lamp, a TV, my pillows and blankets… and I laid there. Sort of waiting to die.
It was certainly one of the darkest times of my life, and I will tell you without a doubt that what saved me was hearing my guides tell me to change my internal monologue. I somehow found the strength to do that one little thing. Specifically, I stopped saying over and over “I don’t know how to do this” and I started saying instead, every time I felt fear or lost, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Today, I know why I chose that particular phrase and it’s an incredible story of synchronicity, destiny, and timing. But in that moment, picking that phrase was the start of a long one-year climb back to the land of the living, using that bible verse as a lifeline.
During that time a few things of note happened.
1. I realized that I had to stop living for everyone else. Because I’d spent my entire life trying to take care of and help other people when my entire life fell apart, the only one there for me was my ex-husband, and though he tried, he wasn’t in any position to actually help.
2. I made the decision to restart my life in Florida. I was going home to Disney. I read about these homes they were building inside Disney World and it hit me like a physical blow. To live inside Disney had been my dream since I was five years old, and everyone told me I was nuts. No, it wasn’t possible when I was five, but it was now and I was looking at the proof of that. In that moment I saw with stunning clarity that dreams have purpose, even when they seem crazy, even if they seem impossible, or insignificant. They matter. And I was never again going to let mine go. Not for anyone.
3. I got online, on an online dating site to be specific. I was looking to see what men in Orlando were like, and I was probably looking for a lifeline. Though that’s a horrendously bad idea, for whatever reason, God sent me one in the form of a very sexy European man who was unlike anyone I’d ever met before.
In many ways, that’s where this story gets its roots. For many months, he and I corresponded via email and phone. He was one of the few rays of light in that very dark year. We had a connection unlike anything I’d ever experienced before and he said things to me that every girl dreams of hearing but that no one says, and he meant them.
Seriously, I could not have written a character in one of my romance novels that was as sexy and intriguing as this man was because no one would believe it.
At the same time, I was petrified because I’d been through the ringer with love, not once by twice, and I figured that was enough.
For many months as I tried to sort out my life and rebuild, I wondered what about this man was different, and for the first time in over a decade, I allowed myself to wonder if soulmates actually existed.
You see, back when I was married, I knew my then-husband wasn’t my soulmate… so I had convinced myself there was no such thing. The thought of being married to a non-soulmate, if there actually were soulmates, was unbearable. Therefore to continue living my life without falling into a spiraling depression, I convinced myself that such things didn’t exist… Yet here I was, being faced with the possibility of one.
I started to lose weight. I weighed over 300 pounds at this time, but I was in the gym every single day, I was planning my move to Orlando and I was trying to find a way to not be so afraid of the idea of a soulmate. I started reading and studying soulmates and what people thought about them and I prayed about it all the time.
Of course, back then, I still sort of thought of soulmates in the overly romantic sense, “the one”. Which I knew this man didn’t want to ever marry again. So while I was finding enormous strength and pleasure in being with him the way I was. I couldn’t imagine my lifelong term with him.
So there was great inner turmoil going on, and I was overthinking everything, but everything pointed to this man.
So I followed.
And for reasons I won’t go into here, because of that relationship, I learned how to channel my natural submissive tendencies into a safe place and the most amazing thing happened to me… I stopped being a doormat for people.
You may not be able to understand how huge that was, but for me, it was literally life-changing.
It thrilled me to please this man, and one of the big things I knew pleased him, was when I was strong and stood on my own two feet. I hate to admit this, but without him and his pushing me to be strong and independent, I’m not sure I would have come back from that nightmare. I’d been broken, emotionally and psychologically. When I look back now, I see how vulnerable I was and I know more than ever that this man was very deliberately sent to me. Because so many others would have taken advantage of my weakened state and exploited it, this man, in many ways, saved me.
During this time I was still doing a very real battle in my life with a legal and justice system that I found out to be nothing but a game to those in it. They didn’t care that lives were at stake or what damage was done. It was like an elaborate chess game being played out between lawyers and judges, and I was nothing more than a pawn in it. This was the most stressful time, but through it all, I was growing closer and closer to God because he’s all I had.
Don’t you love it when he puts you in that place?
One night when I was praying about this man and what I should do and should I trust it, follow it? I heard “There will be three men come into your life, each greater than the next.“
I was happy and excited to hear that at the time, but it made no sense either.
Through it all I saw signs, God leading me, and I followed with all my heart and soul, knowing my life literally depended on it.
In February of 2012, I made a ten-day trip to Orlando. I said it was to see the area and look for a place to live, but truthfully, though I wanted that, I still didn’t see it as a possibility in either my near or distant future. I just wanted to breathe. I wanted to see Disney. And I wanted to meet this man.
And I did all three…
Find the next installment in my story here. For a deeper look at Twin Flames and a more transparent sharing of my journey, consider joining us on Patreon where I have a secret group just for people with an open heart and mind wanting to share this journey.