This month saw changes in my relationships, my work, my food and fitness, my belief systems… I’m not sure anything was untouched, but oh, it’s been exciting! It all started with enduring one of the lowest points of the last four years. Something that pushed so many buttons and brought so much baggage out of the woodwork, that in looking back on it, I’m kind of surprised I’m still here.
It was all up from there though, thank god! And this past week, I saw healing in my twin flame journey that I wasn’t expecting and didn’t even realize I needed.
You know how something will happen and until it does, you can’t see that it needed to?
Yeah, it was that!
My twin and I split October of 2013 and in the moment it happened, I can still remember mostly just feeling relief. I was so ready for it all to just stop. I’d been through the ringer with him more than once and knew he wasn’t looking out for me, wasn’t ever going to protect me. In that moment, he threw me under the bus pretty much just like everyone else I’d ever known in my life.
How’s that for telling?
I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this journey, though. What I’ve learned and what I’ve become is more than I ever imagined. I am in the process of writing a new twin flame book, nonfiction, that will detail so much of, not our story, but my story. I’m writing about how meeting, loving and losing my twin flame, changed me to my core and how deeply grateful I am for that. It’s based on the article I wrote about the twin flame experience being a Hero’s Journey. I truly hope it blesses and heals.
That aside, back to the healing.
So he and I broke apart in October and I was more than ready. I knew it was time. My torture and suffering were at its end. I’d stayed in this relationship as long as I had because the deepest parts of me knew I needed to be there, but that day, it was very different. I just wanted to slake him off like dead skin and walk away.
I know how horrible that sounds, but I needed to be left to die and rise again and that’s exactly what I did.
However, as I closed that door, I put my head in charge of guarding it. I knew my heart. I knew my weaknesses. I knew that if he called, I’d be right back in and all I knew then was that I would not become someone who sat there pining for a man who had treated me with such disrespect and disregard.
Oh by my heart… it loved him, knew it would always love him. I remember in those early days, praying constantly that he would not contact me. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stay away.
I let my head rule and my emotions dry out, but all the while, it was my deepest wish to never be in another relationship. Not because I wanted to be with my twin flame, I honestly, truly didn’t. He wasn’t worthy of me and though I always stayed open to his changing, I had to live in the truth that he wasn’t deserving of my love and loyalty and twin flame or not, I wasn’t giving it to him anymore.
I’ve spent every day of the last nearly two years, trusting my head, letting it lead. In moments I’d get weak, my head would be what I relied upon while I was leaving my heart and soul to healing work. Going over wounds, cleansing and healing them, releasing pain and anything poisonous had become my focus. It’s been damn hard work, but I was dedicated to it. Slowly a new me began to emerge. I spent so much time stripping away beliefs, habits, thought patterns, until there was nothing left but a raw, naked soul.
In my moment of greatest vulnerability, of surrender to death, that’s when I breathed again.
I started to rebuild, carefully and had many transformations along the way. If something didn’t fit right, no matter how invested I may have been, I let it go. I was constantly renewing the vision, checking in with the deepest parts of my heart and all the while, I was being very intentionally single.
What I mean by that is, I stayed aware every day of my “aloneness” of my single life. I paid attention to how it felt. I worked on ways to make myself stronger. I cleared a lot of energy and while I would occasionally go out on a date, it was more as a self-check to see – Where am I now?
As time went on and I became more and more healed. I’d witness friends, who’d had their hearts broken, just jump right back into new relationships. It was thrilling at first. They’d be so in love, and I struggled with feelings of jealousy and “why not me?”
I stayed my course though because I had to. In my head, that was in charge, I knew that IF I tried to love again, it would be the last time and I wanted to give it every opportunity to be that magic I’ve sought all my life. I believed, and my head backed me up every time, that if I did the work if I readied myself for great love, then in the right timing, it would come along and this time, I’d actually get it.
What I learned is that the magic doesn’t lay within a specific person, it lays in you. The connections are out there, the soul bonds exist, but you have to unlock that key component within yourself that will allow you to have it.
That’s what I’ve been doing these past years, unlocking the magic ingredient… me.
I haven’t gone through so much time without a man in my life since I was seventeen years old.
It was foreign.
It was uncomfortable.
It was damn lonely at times.
But it was everything I needed.
Last week I went on a date, first one for a few months. I was doing that heart check and the most surprising thing happened… I had fun.
I laughed. I flirted. I was in the moment… it was amazing. I watched myself be someone I’d never been in my life. I wasn’t shy. I wasn’t nervous or uncomfortable. I held my own that night, even raised the stakes a few times. I was a woman completely unrecognizable to how I’ve ever been with a man and I loved it!
Part of that was this man. He’s great and we have a deep soul bond and a level of comfortableness that defies reason. However, in moments I was watching the night unfold in an almost out of body sort of way and what I saw was a woman who had entirely transformed and who had found herself. I was totally comfortable with him that night, able to flirt and talk and share my honest opinions about things because I wasn’t worried about whether or not he’d “like” me.
I didn’t need him to like me because I like me!
Old patterns like not spending the two days after the date rethinking everything I’d said, wishing I’d done this or that different, never surfaced. All I’ve felt every time I’ve thought of that night is happy. I’m not planning a second date. I still have a very full life and things that need to be taken care of. I’m not throwing my whole life out the window to sit and hope he calls, if I want to talk to him, I’ll call. There’s a balance here that I’ve never felt before when it comes to men and dating. That’s beautiful.
It is said that the twin flames are to bring new paradigms to relationships, break the old molds. I think one of the biggest things to change needs to be co-dependency in a relationship, but unless you’re willing to do the work, you won’t become someone who can withstand the seduction of the familiar. There is a huge difference in melding into someone in need and melding into someone as two whole individuals. I believe the twin flame experience can make us capable of these types of healthy blendings and showing that to the world is going to be healing to it.
What I’ve realized most of all, is that I have come home to that place where, as much as I do hope to find companionship and even a partnership in life, I am not looking for anyone to complete anything. I know how to be entirely alone and still be okay, happy even, and that does indeed change all your interactions with others.
I don’t go into any conversation with the thought, even on a subconscious level, how can this person compliment me, fill me, give me what I need.
I would love for things with this man to go further, and if they do, I can already tell it will be a relationship unlike any I’ve had in my life because I’m different than at any other time in my life. I can hold my own here. I can make my own decisions. I don’t have to know everything about him and match our charts and look at a list I’d written of ideal traits… I can just be with him, discover him as we go and the beauty of this is the gift I can give him to be himself. To discover himself. I don’t need anything from him, I can give. I can love… and I don’t need any of that to be returned for me to be okay with myself.
This means whatever man I choose to be with, he’ll get the amazing gift of being free, being left wild, to whatever his path is. I’ll walk with him, share my wisdom and insight, encourage and support, but I have no need, or desire anymore to have him be anything specific. I just want two wild souls walking in unison. That’s the turn on for me now and I’m pretty freakin’ happy about that!
The other big take away for me from the other night was when I realized that I no longer need my head to guard that door to my twin flame. My heart has healed and my soul has gone on without him.
The morning after the date, I did a lot of soul searching. I wanted to know why I was so happy and why it had all been such fun. One of the things I remembered was that as I was sitting there with this other man, he said something so ridiculous that I laughed very spontaneously. It was in reflection of that moment that I saw there was joy that I haven’t felt since before I met my twin flame. There were moments during this date that were so completely fun, that I realized not since I met my twin flame had I experienced such fun. I wasn’t thinking of the tf the whole night, wishing things had been different, knowing they should have been different. I was in that moment with the man who was present, enjoying myself and nothing else.
I didn’t feel a need to keep a wall up between me and this new man because, for the first time, I knew I wasn’t broken goods with sharp edges liable to do some serious damage.
In the past, I worried. I saw a line of broken hearts and relationships that didn’t work and I felt helpless to it all repeating itself. Now I know the truth, I am not a victim to anything or anyone. I don’t have to engage in anything I don’t want to, and I trust myself to take care of my own heart.
The time has come to relieve my head from guard duty over my heart and though that may be a bit bumpy in moments, that’s the decision… and so it is.
All this speaks to me of that magic that I’d looked for all my life and now I’ve finally found it. Because of that, it’s okay to dream again, to hope, to want, and life looks unbearably sweet because of it all.
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